With summer fading, I must address some swim wear issues I was exposed to during these past few months. Here are a couple of rules to keep in mind while lounging poolside next year. First, just because you can get them on, doesn’t mean last year’s swim trunks fit. If your trunks are so tight your hind quarters feel like they are encased in fiberglass and the seam in back is invisible because of a permanent wedgie, those trunks no longer fit. Next, don’t be afraid to put on a t-shirt (solid color of course) it will do wonders for covering up that trucker’s tan. It is also important to remember there is no need to limit shaving to your face. Most Sasquatch spotters tend to focus their search on the hilly regions of Oregon and Washington state - there is no need to try to draw them to the local pool. Finally, the neighborhood pool is no place to wear your Converse All Stars. At the very least put on a pair of topsiders, but flip flops or sandals are the preferred footwear when heading to the local water park.
That brings me to Crocs. Crocs are the ugliest footwear know to man (or woman). These things have knocked Birkenstocks off their perch as the silliest looking shoes of all time. I have no idea if these monstrosities are comfortable, but it really doesn’t matter. I hear Howard Hughes found empty Kleenex boxes comfortable, that doesn’t make them appropriate footwear. Crocs are ugly. They are big and bulky and plastic, often they are made uglier because of their color or design - if one should never wear camo pants, why on earth wear camo shoes - slip on plastic ugly shoes no less? All of the Crocs currently in use should be gathered up, melted down, and made in to a giant sculpture of that great patriot and fashion icon, Dennis Hopper.
This is meant to help you fellas, take my advice to heart. In the immortal words of Brad Hamilton, “learn it, know it, live it. Since my arrival here in the cornfield, I have learned that men’s fashion issues are not limited by geography, I saw just as many “I almost nunchucked you” t-shirts on the left coast as I do in the heartland. Men run around with socks and flip flops both places. Poorly tailored suits are as common there as here, so men everywhere need to heed my words. All I’m asking is that give us all a break and you stop and think before leaving the house.
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